I saw a lot of myself in The God You Can Know. I saw both good things and bad things from my past and present. “We must find our security in God before we seek it in an activity for God.” I was doing it the other way around. I enjoyed the parts describing God’s character, but it wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard growing up in church or learned in Bible class in high school. Even still, it was a good reminder. DeHaan says we must know God before we can do His will. Similarly to what we learned in The Principle of the Path, Dan later asks “What things is your mind set on the most? You must answer that question. It will determine your entire character.” Knowing God, thinking about him, and focusing on him will consequently make us more like him. Attention determines direction which ultimately determines your destination. It also reminds me of my favorite passage rewritten in the Message – Love the Lord your God with all your passion, prayer, intelligence and energy.

By far though, the thing that jumped out at me most was the depth of conveying God as Father and the supremacy of that title. I always knew God as the Father, but didn’t realize that all of his other titles and attributes fell perfectly in line with that as His ultimate title. On a related note, the constant metaphor God uses throughout scripture is family, marriage, etc. All of them are intimately relational, and the church as a whole completely misses the point both in their own hearts and explaining it others. We teach people to agree with a set of ideas and say a certain prayer instead of just falling in love with a Savior and a Father that would do anything to be with us. “Believers have failed to see God first of all as a father. That is why the church is not functioning like a good family.”

There was a lot more to this book than I can write in one page, and more than I can get in just one pass. I definitely want to re-read the whole book again. The story of the bride revealed that I still struggle with being loved beyond anything I do. I’m fine with grace to a point, but at some point I want to contribute. That’s like switching places with Jesus on the cross before He’s about to die. It ends with me trying to take over, voiding everything He has done until now and ultimately accomplishing nothing because I cannot do it on my own.

Quotes from the book I liked:

1. We must find our security in God before we seek it in an activity for God (p.15)
2. It’s the conscious worship of God’s character that conforms us to what we worship. We always become what we worship. (p.18)
3. What things is your mind set on the most? You must answer that question. It will determine your entire character. (p.19)
4. Seeing that every creation does what it is created to do with the exception of man makes God’s dealings with man all the more significant (p.32)
5. Redemption is more than a tender Father’s searching for His child; it is a holy God wrestling with the sin of the world. (p.79)
6. Believers have failed to see God first of all as a father. That is why the church is not functioning like a good family. (p.94)
7. Blessed is the one that desires God rather than what He can give. (p.102)
8. If God has forgiven you, walk like a forgiven man. (p.118)
9. You see, there is no such thing as an unforgiven sin in the life of a Christian. All sins are forgiven – past, present and future. Then… Why ask forgiveness? The answer is to have your joy restored. (p.122)
10. If a Christian fails to conform to the pattern of the Bible, it is not because he lacks rules; it is because he lacks love. (p.125)

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My time for working as a Barista at Starbucks is coming to end (thank God!). It has been an incredibly tough year for me, but I wanted to reflect on what I learned through this process. So, let me get a cup of coffee (Starbucks of course) and we’ll get going.

First of all, let me give a little lead in into the circumstances that brought me to Starbucks in the first place. Since 2006, I had been a full-time freelance photographer/photo assistant/digital tech/photo retoucher/web designer. Yes, when you’re freelance you must wear a lot of hats. Well, the economy started to die, and I had this beautiful girl I wanted to start saving for marriage with, so I started looking for jobs. I had several promising jobs in photography that all proceeded to fall through. I was still doing the photo thing, but I only made $450 total in the month of February. Finally I had an amazing opportunity to interview to become Gov. Sonny Perdue’s personal photographer. I walked out of that interview thinking I had it. Perhaps when they said, “We’ll call you in two days to let you know for sure, but we’ll start looking to get you some business cards,” I thought it was as good as mine. I also had an interview with Starbucks after that. The manager there said that if the government job fell through, he’d love to hire me. Well two days turned into two weeks then they finally called and said, “We’re so sorry, but we had to reorder our budget and can’t afford to hire anybody right now.” So I called up Starbucks and told them I accepted their job offer, and honestly I was really depressed.

I went from doing what I love, the freedom of setting my own schedule, the pace I was used to, and making decent money (when I worked) to getting up at 4am making rich people’s coffee for $7 an hour. So in 4 hours of work, I made roughly $28 when I was used to making at least $150 for that same amount of time. Or another way of looking at it, I could make more in one day of photo work than I could in about two weeks at Starbucks. But this post isn’t about that. It’s about what I learned. After just two weeks there, I had two significant conversations (neither of which I initiated) with different people about what it means to have a relationship with God vs a religion. I had been there just two weeks! So here is the first thing I learned:

If I’m not willing to work at Starbucks or (fill in the blank), then God is not going to want to use me anywhere else.

It was an issue with Pride. I was too proud to work at Starbucks. Once I realized that, everything changed. My attitude changed. I was grateful (as much as one can be getting up at 4am). This was the most important lesson I learned while working as a Starbucks Barista.

I also learned about working long, and working hard, and seeing what I was made of.

I started working at Starbucks in March. In June, I got hired at the Apple Store. For the first three weeks of working Apple, I was doing about 70 hours a week between jobs. I got up at 4am, was at Sbux by 5am, worked there until 1pm, then worked at Apple from 2-10pm. I don’t recommend working those kind of hours, but I learned I can do what it takes. Even still, I have been averaging around 60 hours a week for the past 6 months. It’s still crazy to think, as I’m driving home around 7-7:30pm that I have been working since 5am. Part of my leaving Starbucks is a need for balance between work and life.

Consequently another thing I learned was Desperation.

Some people think being desperate isn’t a good thing, but it can be. I was desperate for God’s strength; I needed it to make it through the day. I was desperate for God’s Word; I needed it to renew my mind. As my energy depleted during the week and after being blasted by 80-90 customers an hour just for a latte, I had to refocus. My 1 hour between jobs became a sacred moment. I sit in my truck in the parking lot, because it’s the only place I’m by myself all day. It’s where I beg God to renew my mind, change my heart, and prepare me to get blasted by customers about computers, iphones, etc for another 8 hours.

I learned I need community, badly.

I actually came back and added this part, because it’s true. Working so many hours, I have isolated myself while being surrounded by people at the same time. I work, I go home, I eat, I go to sleep, then I do it again the next day. I have become starved for community outside of work. I learned this by seeing its absence in my life. I’m terrible at community, I realize that. But, I see it’s importance and necessity and am fighting hard to get it back.

Finally, I learned to move quickly.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been almost burned by spilt coffee. Now that I mention it, I also can’t count how many times I have been burned now by coffee. I’ve also learned how to fling scalding coffee off my hand.

It’s been a great experience working at Starbucks, but I’m definitely glad it’s come to an end. Maybe I’ll end up back there again, and if I do, I pray my attitude is that of gratefulness, hard work, and eager expectation for what I’ll learn during that time around.

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I’ve got to admit, I struggled somewhat with TrueFaced, but I don’t think it was entirely the book’s fault. Part of it was the time I had to read it was disjointed and disconnected, leaving my overall flow of the book in the same state. The other part though, was that I have just come out of a tough season of my life where I learned a lot of the values this book presents the hard way. I’ve already come to a place in my life where I no longer cared how I looked, I no longer cared if God or others around me saw my true face. It was the healing of my faith. I had spent much of my life with my mask on, presenting a desirable Christianity that didn’t show any of my flaws. Once I embraced my true face and stopped hiding it, God decided to use it through the ticket he gave me, art.

There was one thing, however, that really jumped out at me as a weakness of mine. I’ve been realizing it slowly, but I finally put some concrete thoughts around it. Chapter 4, which talks about Love, really hit me hard. I expected a chapter about how when we love others, we heal, but instead I got a chapter teaching me how to be loved. Honestly, I really struggle with this. “We haven’t learned the fine art of receiving love.” I tend to see my needs as weaknesses, which would just burden other people. But they write on page 86, “Needs give us the capacity to feel loved.” Then on the next page, “Sadly, if we cannot identify our needs, we cannot know love. If we deny we have needs, we will not experience love. If we withhold our needs, we can’t receive the love others have for us. And if we don’t know love, we’ll be stuck with open wounds that will not heal.”

I have a hard time allowing myself to be loved – I don’t obviously push people away, but I isolate myself and accomplish the same. When people do try to meet my needs, I feel I need to earn or pay for their help/love. I don’t want to be a burden. I fear getting too involved with people and I think deep down I don’t believe I deserve their love for some reason. This shows I still tend to visit the Room of Good Intentions from time to time. I am continually learning to be more open with people, and allowing people to love me. It’s uncomfortable and humbling, but God’s way of reminding me that I’m small, and He’s really, really big.

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I’m having a hard time getting my thoughts out of my head.

I’m frustrated.

I’ve seen the wind and the waves. I’m overwhelmed at the task God has given me and I feel inadequate. Truth is, I am inadequate, and that’s OK because it’s God’s dream and not my own. So naturally only He can do it.

But still, it’s humbling to be so small at times.

I think part of where I’m getting frustrated is that I’m seeing other people doing this art movement. Of course I should be exhilarated – and I am to a degree – but I so desperately want to be a part of it. It feels like God is using others to accomplish the dream He’s given me (instead of me) & I’m just standing on the sideline itching to go into the game. I’m not in it for my own glory or recognition, but I don’t want to feel left out either.

I have way too many thoughts jumping up and down on the trampoline of my brain today. Normally writing helps, but there’s too much to write, and I have way too many things that need to be done on my one day off. I also know these are just “feelings” and that satan is just trying to discourage me. I recognize this and it helps, but we all get bruised in battle from time to time.

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I’ve got to admit, that the Principle of the Path didn’t contain any new, mind-blowing revelations for me. I remember the series Andy did on it, and his catchphrase “Direction – not intention – determines our destination.”  Even though I know this (and pretty much everybody does deep down) it’s very easy to find yourself wandering down a path while intending to go down another.

I think one chapter that hit me pretty hard was “The Great Disconnect”. Really it was just one question – “Are there discrepancies between what you desire in your heart and what you are doing with your life?” For me this question has more to do with the direction my heart is leading me in and my lack of involvement in those areas all together. I intend to do more with artists, but I don’t. My jobs prevent me from having the time & energy to do so, at least that’s the excuse I continue to give myself.

I’ve also got to say that God’s timing is somewhat funny. As I started to read this book, we started a new series at Buckhead Church called Your Move which had questions to ask yourself when making big (or small) decisions. I would listen to the message, then the next day continue reading the next chapter of this book. Several times it was as if I was re-reading the sermon from the previous day. These questions are amazing. “Why am I doing this really?” “What story do I want to tell?” “In light of my past experience, my future hopes, and my dreams, what is the wise thing to do?” Finally, a HUGE point is simply put: “Choosing the best path, then, begins with submission.” Or as he later writes, “Divine direction begins with unconditional submission.”

Honestly, it’s easy for me to write about all the things I underlined and the little insights I learned from the book. I could write pages on how I see the truth in these, but this section on application is more difficult, however. Application demands action, and action can be quite frightening. Andy writes, “Prudent people know that it’s what you do that makes the difference, not what you see.” Later he writes, “Seeing it, feeling it, agreeing with it is not enough.” Right now, like most people, I am faced with some big decisions – potentially life changing ones. I don’t find coincidence in the timing of reading this book and the other books I am reading, the Your Move series at church, the development of this mentor group, and the decisions I am having to face. But I can’t forget everything I have read and heard.

I must constantly be checking myself – am I submitting every aspect of my life to God? What story will this decision tell and is it consistent with my past experiences and future dreams? Am I being completely honest with myself? What path is this decision taking me down? Am I seeking advice from people that have been down this path before or from people who haven’t? More specifically, I need to take action quicker. I tend to spend more time thinking, analyzing, and weighing the potential outcomes. The hazard here is that I tend to think I can still in the thinking process, but there is no standing still in life. But in reality, by changing nothing, I’m continuing in the same direction. I must learn to seek God, ask myself the above questions, seek advice, and take action.

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Wow. It has been a long, long time since I have had time to write or even think. I miss it. I work so much now, it wears me out. I fight to maintain my walk with God – scraping and clawing and fighting each day to find time to read His Word. My usual day involves working from 5am to 10am at Starbucks, then I work at Apple from 11am – 7pm. The best time for me to read my Bible is between the two jobs, but it doesn’t really satisfy the need I have in my soul. I read, but I hardly have the time/energy/capacity/attention span to reflect on what I’ve read. I don’t get to journal or on this blog anymore. That really frustrates me beyond words. I need that time to reflect, or I may was well be reading the newspaper.

Don’t get me wrong. I am glad to be paying off debt. It’s the glimmer of hope for what I’m doing right now. In the past two months, I’ve paid off more than $3000 off my credit cards. But it has been rough. I’ve worked myself nearly to death. I miss my friends. Instead being able to go hang out with friends after work, I go home and go to bed early because I know how early I have to be up the next day (usually 4am). Since the beginning of the year, I have lost the community I’ve had with friends, the woman I loved, the job I loved and the freedom to set my own schedule, the time to spend with God that I used to have and the intimacy that came from those times. There were times I was afraid to say, “It can’t get any worse” because it usually did.

Lately I’ve been reading about Job.  He lost everything he had (family, wealth, health) at a moment’s notice in a game between God and satan. His friends only condemned him, and it seemed like God didn’t give a rip about it. I identified with Job 30:20 “I cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer; I stand up, but you merely look at me,” and verse 26, “Yet when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness.” Sometimes, God allows us to suffer. He allows us to become isolated and He allows us to become weary. He allows us opportunities that make it easy to walk away from Him. He allows the people around us to give us bad advice and condemn us.

But God ALWAYS has a purpose behind it.

We don’t always see it. Sometimes we never see it; other times we see it only years down the road. After God puts Job in his place (see chapters 38-42:6) God begins to restore Job to an even better position than he was before. But this is what really jumped out at me today. Job 42:10 says, “After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.”  It doesn’t really say how long it took Job, but God didn’t do anything for Job until after he prayed for his friends. I find it somewhat circular that Job used to pray for his sons and daughters in case they had sinned against God and didn’t know it, and now he was back to praying for his friends since they were all he had left. Even though they had just blasted him over his character saying his sin was why God was doing these things to him. It takes a lot to get me angry, but people challenging my character usually fires me up pretty quickly. Job had to forgive before God would do anything to restore him to his previous place. My curiosity wonders how long it took Job before he began praying for his friends again. Teaching Job about forgiveness was probably not God’s original intention either, just a by-product that showed up along the way of the lesson.

I know this isn’t the most focused post. It may even be running a little bit long.  But here’s my point: Who do I need to forgive? Beyond that – who do I need to forgive and begin praying for? Praying for someone who has wronged you prevents bitterness. It’s like anti-venom. You can’t be praying for their best interest in one breath and wishing ill the next. Maybe God is just waiting, dancing around in anticipation, for me to begin praying for someone specific. I may have forgiven them for the most part, but am I praying for them? He’s not a machine God (If I do A, then God will do B) but sometimes (like it shows in Job) God waits for us to do something first.

I can see potential of something wonderful happening soon in my life. I can see how my current circumstances have pushed me into a very easy spot for me to pick up and move if needed. I am no longer in a committed relationship with somebody in Atlanta and I am no longer tied into a lease. There is a possibility for me to move to another city, one on my list of 7 major cities I want to have an artistic influence in with Creating Contrast. Both of my part-time jobs have sites in this city. And there is a big, big opportunity to be doing exactly what I want to be doing there. I came kicking and screaming (and cursing at times) to this place in my life, but this could be the restoration I have been longing for. But I have to check my heart first. I have to remember this could all just dissolve and blow away tomorrow, but my heart will remain and my heart is His. Who do you need to forgive and pray for?

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I’ve been feeling very stifled lately.

I’m working like crazy to pay off credit cards as fast as possible. It’s been good to work hard and pursue a goal like becoming debt free, but my soul is struggling with the payoff. Yes, I am paying off quite a bit off my credit cards, but what am I losing in the process?

I feel like the floor as been raised and i’m bent over with my back on the ceiling. I feel cramped and squished and unable to stretch out to my full potential. Most of you have no idea what specifically I’m talking about, but you can identify.

I want to invest in people. I want to help raise up valiant artists. I want to tell people my story. I want to change lives. I want to make a difference. I want people to know that God can be trusted. I want those same people to live like it.

I’m working too much. So much is happening in my life right now, and I’m learning so much about faith, trust, and learning to truly live the Christian life. I’m learning what it means to be so desperate for God, that it doesn’t matter to me if He gets me out of these situations I’m in as long as He’s there with me. Each new little nugget I learn is like shaking  a soda bottle with the top still on. I want to burst. I have so much art to create but no time or resources. As it is, I barely have time to even write this small post.

For those who read this – pray for me. I have a hard time asking for help, but pray for me. Pray that I find the right balance. Pray that I find the right opportunities. Pray I’m in the right place at the right time and say the right thing. While you’re at it, pray that for yourself as well. We forget how important each passing second is. Each passing minute could be an opportunity to change somebody’s forever eternal future. Each passing second could also be our last.

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Here’s a song/poem I wrote to deal with everything I’ve been facing with lately. I don’t even know what to call it. So I’ll pick something random from it.

I wrote this back in June when it seemed like I was getting hit from every angle. It was one thing after another after another, and my spirit and soul were bruised. The Bible says that God won’t allow to go through more than you can handle, but it doesn’t say He will always give that limit a lot of margin. If you’ve read my post on weeping then this post will make a little more sense. This is fairly dark song/poem, but I hope you’ll grasp the sense of resolve and hope sprinkled in there. Like I said, I wrote this when more wrong than right was happening in my life, and things seemed pretty bleak. Even still, I am extremely thankful for the circumstances in my life right now, because I know that it’s sharpening me into the man I really want to be.

Difficult yes. Worth it? Oh yeah.

Death of my Vine

can you turn that down
cause i can hardly think to
sift through all those piles
of pain and anger on the floor
and my heart is open wide
but closes with each incision scar
and i don’t know
how much longer it’ll hold

so where are You?
and why are You so silent?
when all I wanna hear
is that I’m doing what You’ve told
and that there’s a reason for these troubles
that I will someday soon believe in
but for now it’s hard
to be peaceful in these storms

the death of my vine is a hard thing to deal with
when especially this time, I put in so much care
and yeah You made it happen,
but I sure as hell worked hard to keep it
and though there’s nothing wrong with anger,
it’s this bitterness that bothers me

and you have put me in this cave, and covered it with Your hand
but now it’s so dark in here, and I don’t know where to go

and all You seem to do is tell me not to lose heart
but I’ve been fighting it for years now
and my strength is giving ‘way
weathering the blows, my soul is growing weary
from the constant state of hope that light is just around the bend

I’m not looking for my american dream or an easy life because of You
but my heart could use a little relief from all the pain that You allow me through
and though my heart grows weary with every scar and disappointment
I will never again turn away from You, but I need to feel You there,

cause I know that You are there

so where are You?
and why are You so silent?
I’m still resolved to You
no matter what I go through
It’s just hard
to face trial after trial when
i’m still sore from the last refining fire

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Continuing the Retro Valiant blog posts.

Wrestling with God

ORIGINAL POST DATE: 09.01.2008

Have you ever felt like God is calling you to do something, and it literally scares the heck out of you? Have you ever felt called to do something that seems completely ridiculous and beyond reason? This is me right now.

So without further ado, here is what I’m wrestling with. Is God calling me to quit what I’m doing now and step out in faith and pursue building Contrast with all my heart and energy? On paper it seems less crazy than it does in my head. So let’s jump in my brain for moment (please ignore the ADD moments, we are in my brain after all).

I had a wicked knee injury in March 2008 doing something I never thought I would or could ever do. I don’t regret it a bit. I regret the injury, but the risk was worth it. I firmly believe in never shrinking back because of risk of something bad happening. I believe with all my heart that whatever happens, good or bad, goes through my Father, and that while some circumstances may seem terrible to me at the time, they can be the best thing for me in the long run. So I don’t fear death or injury, but I do fear failure. One question Andy Stanley asked once that I think about a LOT is “What would you do if you knew God was behind it and you wouldn’t fail?” I think I will post that question on this blog sometime, because that is a POWERFUL question that brings all sorts of purpose and perspective into our lives.

All that to say, I’ve always encouraged people to trust God and do what they are afraid to do. Disclaimer: You gotta be sure that’s what God wants… or more specifically that God isn’t say no to that. I’ve encouraged a friend to trust God financially, even if it meant that the money didn’t show up like he wanted. Maybe because of that, something happens who affects somebody who talks to someone else who leads thousands of people to Christ all because he trusted God, who didn’t show up like he expected him to. We don’t know how each thing affects eternity, but God does. We need to trust him with our lives.

Because of the blessed catastrophe that is my torn ACL/meniscus, I had knee surgery in May. It wiped me out… I had an allergic reaction to something during the surgery, and my recovery time was much worse that it should have been. Not working for a month and a half wiped out my bank account too. Most of the kind of work I had been doing involved me being on me feet carrying photo gear and setting up lights. I had been doing this for about 3 years now, and was hoping to move on, but my portfolio wasn’t quite up for it and most of it was still college work anyway. I didn’t have money or inspiration to shoot much for it anyway. But suddenly, that was all gone. And the question was “Now what?” I started getting some jobs that actually pay MORE for me to sit at a computer and work on the shoot rather than setting up lights. Seemed like a God-send (and it was).

But I started feeling this nudge to move on. I’ve felt this nudge a lot. I’m only just now starting to recognize it as God (and I still question it, hence, why I am currently in turmoil – heehee). Yeah, I just used “hence.” Anyway, I’ve felt this nudge when changing schools (4 different schools for my bachelor’s degree). I’ve felt this nudge when I knew I need to stop pursuing music professionally and switch to photography. I’ve felt this nudge when moving to Atlanta. And I’ve felt it again. This time, I was afraid of failure. It was if God was saying, “It’s time to start moving forward with this.” My portfolio isn’t good enough for the kind of work I want… I’m not going to get the right kind of work. What if I fail? So here I am, back to what is comfortable and pays the bills… digital tech-ing and image processing and retouching. Nice and safe. My brother-in-law thinks it’s hilarious that I consider my freelance career as safe, which is kinda funny if you think about it. Most consider a steady paycheck as safe.

ADD moment: I don’t know how to fit this in, but I just remembered this. I remember coming back from some dear friends’ wedding (to each other). I connected with God for the first and possibly most authentic time I’ve encountered in a long time (or ever). During this little conversation I had with God, He told me that things were about to change big time. I asked what that meant, and I met silence. I don’t think He wanted to give it away, or I would have tried to make it happen too soon. I have a habit of doing this (which is also why I am in turmoil).

During some of my recent workings, I ran into a photographer I have really grown to respect who has a Digital Tech business he’s running by himself, and he’s looking for help. We hit it off really well… it’s also interesting to note that he’s a strong Christian. He’s also considering hiring me to some extent… possibly full time. It seems like a really good business venture for me – it would be a lot of work. It is also something I’ve been looking for since I moved here – a good Christian photographer to mentor me a little bit more. I’m still not completely confident of the business side of photography.

During all of this, the idea for Contrast began to rumble to life and take shape. Technically it started during my senior year at SCAD during a class called personal vision. I don’t have time to go into the details, but this project saved my faith. I hated God at the time this project came to me, mostly because of frustration. That is a long, long story for another time. Since then, I have been praying and struggling with these ideas for 2 years and nothing was happening. I would tell the guys in my small group how frustrated I was that I knew my purpose (to create this authentic, good Christian art), but couldn’t do anything about it at the time. Now all of a sudden, I’m having a hard time keeping up with it. I really feel like God is moving this forward now, because I haven’t really done anything different. I just knew that’s what he wanted me to do. I’ve had some people catch the idea and want to help – especially in areas that I have absolutely no clue or expertise. God is bringing people to this. People are hearing about it and becoming interested. People all over the country are hearing about this and are saying “God has really put this on my heart too!” I gotta admit I’m pretty darn excited.

So I’ve started feeling like God is saying, “It’s time, step out. It’s time to put off those jobs you’ve relied to survive. Rely on me.” It seems crazy. He’s not saying, “I’ve got this awesome client out there that’s going to launch your photographic career that will take care of you and provide with the money to move forward with Contrast.” It’s like He’s saying, “Step out of the boat. Walk into the unknown with me. I’m all you need.” I tend to at least try to access the risk of things even if I don’t let it stop me. This seems absolutely crazy. I still have debt. I don’t even know how the money would show up. I know I need to talk to donors. But that means I gotta get on setting up a non-profit and figure out how to give myself a payroll to survive. I definitely have no clue about that!

So being the good Christian, I took note of what He is saying and I’m comparing it to what I have been reading and learning lately. I’ve talked to people I really respect for their integrity and walk with God. Let’s start with what I’m reading. I’m reading Andy Stanley’s book Visioneering. It’s absolutely amazing. About the time I started getting this question about what I am to do I started a new chapter in the book. And by “about the time” I mean, I got this crazy God idea, and opened the book the next day to this chapter. “Coincidentally” it’s called “Distractions”. The first distraction he talks about is Good Opportunities. That immediately brings to mind the photographer. What do I do with that? I keep reading, ever more fervently. He says, “the opportunities with the greatest potential to distract me are almost always good opportunities.” Ok, I say to myself, Let’s keep reading. The next one is Criticism. I haven’t had to deal with this one yet, at least blatantly. The third distraction is Fear. Andy talks about “what if” questions. The biggest one he emphasizes is “What if I fail?” Take a moment to scroll up to the second paragraph of this blog. I am terrified of failure. I don’t want to move too soon, and cause it to fail. There’s so much of this I don’t know anything about. “Don’t allow fear of the unknown to cause you to miss out on what God wants to do through you,” Andy writes.

At church two weeks ago, Andy started a new series called “Five things God uses to grow your faith.” I felt like it was geared right at me. I got the overwhelming feeling I needed to step out like I had been thinking. I have always thought God wanted to use me to inspire faith in people. What better way than to live out what I tell people? Maybe I’m just reading into it too much. Maybe I need this photo job to help me accomplish other aspects. I just know that I haven’t had nearly the time/freedom to pray and plan like I was before I started working like crazy again. It seems like it has been a couple of weeks since I have had time to really devote to this.

I gotta be really honest right now. The idea of stepping out like that scares me more than anything else I have ever experienced. I can’t exactly put it on paper like I feel. But I am absolutely terrified. I have to take deep breaths when I think about this. No joke. It seems crazy. If I’m wrong and God doesn’t come through… it will be my utter ruin. The really scary thing is, from what I’ve noticed, these are usually the circumstances God likes to use people for.

Ok, I say to myself now. Of course you’re gonna get all riled up about your vision while reading Visioneering. So I started looking straight to the Bible. My first reaction is to go to the story of Peter going to Jesus on the water. So I’m gonna avoid that one, cause I can make that go in favor of stepping out. Peter was willing to do what everybody thought was crazy no one else would try. He just asked Jesus, who said, “Come.” It seems like a simple answer. The simple answer for me right now is to drop everything else that distracts me from my purpose.

I also think of Paul/Peter who made tents to survive while in ministry. That goes more toward the photographer in this little argument-in-my-head. Nuff said.
But then I think about Abraham. God just said, “Go.” Didn’t even tell him where or how. He said, “I will show you.” He also said to kill the one thing God had given him, but he believed so strongly that God would provide. I’m sure it still seemed crazy. I’m also positive that everybody around him thought it was nuts too.

I think of the Israelites who had to wade into the waters of the Jordan before God dried up the river. The provision wasn’t even there when they started to cross. They had to move before they felt ready. I also remember their mistake. They didn’t move when God told them to invade Jericho. They didn’t realize God was bigger than their circumstances. God was saying “Go” and they went with what seemed safe. So God killed off that generation by making them wait 40 years. The only two that survived were the ones (Joshua and Caleb) that thought they should go in. So they finally decide to go in and take on the city of Jericho. God tells them to some simple things, like march around the city then shout. He does the rest. They just had to be faithful and trust Him to do what He promises.

I think of Moses. Moses was funny to me. He had it all then tried to take things into his own hands by killing an Egyptian who was beating one of his fellow Israelites. So, afraid for his life, he runs off into the desert for 40 years, herding sheep. Then God appears to Him, shows him all these cool miracles and tells him that He wants to use Moses to lead the entire nation of Israel from captivity by one of the most powerful civilizations of the day. God does all sorts of crazy things to demonstrate his power to Moses to show that He is in control, and Moses gets self-conscious about his speaking ability. Moses gets the people and takes them to Jericho after even crazier miracles. Moses sends in ten spies to assess the situation. Two say go, eight say there’s no way. The Israelites want nothing to do with it. God says to Moses, “How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the signs I have performed among them?” God then decides that those who had seen the amazing things He had done wouldn’t enter soon-to-be-Israel. So He makes them wander for 40 years while that generation dies out. Not moving when God tells you to has consequences it seems, and although things are different this side of the cross, I don’t want to test the differences. I don’t want God to move on to someone else or wait a long time if He’s ready to move this thing forward now.

I think of the story of Jesus healing the paralyzed man at the pool of Shaloam. He straight up asks the guy, “Do you want to be healed?” It seems rather obvious. Of course he wanted to be healed. But I think we can dig deeper into that. Take it this way, “Do you really want be used by me to greatly influence people?” Everything this guy knew as normal would immediately change. Nothing would stay the same for him after this. I think lots of times when people say they want to be used by God to “change the world” or whatever, they mean it as it falls into a normality of life. They still want the family. They still want the American dream. I do, and I’ll be the first to admit it. But then you run into someone who realizes they can be a part of something more, and are willing to lay down the normalcy they want. These are the people who are missionaries and visionaries. The question now becomes “Do I want to change the world, or out of fear of all the change do I want to remain this way?” That kind of question is very, very tough. Not everyone can step up and count the cost. It’s a very valid question. So valid, that Jesus asks the guy. I think if he had said “No” Jesus would have been fine with that too.

Finally I think of Joshua. He was always one of my favorites because he had my name. My favorite verse was my favorite initially because of that. In Joshua 1:9 God says to Joshua, who’s taking over for the dead Moses, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” This is the verse I think about a lot. I have “Be Strong” and “Be Courageous” tattooed on my forearms in Thai. Literally. This verse is really speaking to me at this moment. I’m sure Joshua is kinda freaking out because of the enormity of the task at hand. Taking over for Moses and leading a non-warrior people into the unknown and trusting God is going to handle everything is kinda crazy. God tells him a couple times in a few short verses to not be afraid and be strong and brave.

So after going to the Bible, this still seems crazy but right. I have been talking with people about a lot of this I just mentioned. Some have said, “Wow. That’s a lot to process. I’ll pray for you.” That’s great, and the prayer is amazing, but it doesn’t get me closer to a definite answer. Others have said, “Well, maybe you can do both. I don’t think it would be wise to drop everything right now. You still need to survive.” I really appreciate these people for not just telling me what I want to hear. But in my heart I have this question. If God calls someone to do something crazy/amazing/out-of-the-box, even the most well-meaning, Godly people can give advice that is not what God wants with the best intentions. Remember when Jesus tells Peter, “Get behind me Satan!” Peter didn’t want Jesus to die, but that wasn’t in God’s plans. And this is part of my struggle. I want all the godly advice I can get, but how do you determine what is what God wants and what is good, but wrong advice? I’m sure many people would have told Peter that jumping out of the boat during a crazy bad storm was a very bad idea. “Yeah, it might strengthen your faith in Jesus, Peter, but have you seen this storm? Jesus can walk on water, but I’ve never seen you do it. Come to think of it, nobody else can walk on water. You’re just going to sink.” He did sink, eventually, after he stopped focusing on what Christ called him to do. But he demonstrated faith in Christ that no one else dared try.

On my left forearm, is “Be courageous” in Thai. Another translation of that is, “be valiant.” I tattooed it on my forearms so I will continually see it and be reminded. Valiance is an interesting idea. I immediately think of valiant knights during the middle ages. Valiant does not always mean victorious. It implies fighting for something – scraping and clawing and going after something so tenaciously and never, never giving up. It implies bravery & inspiration where others shrink back in fear. It implies running toward what seems like certain failure to benefit others. God is calling me to be valiant. God is calling me to be faithful, not necessarily victorious. I don’t use the word successful here because I believe if you accomplish what God wants, whether you “fail” or “win” is success. I am convinced that the vision God gave me for Contrast will be successful and accomplish what we set out to do. But maybe one of the ways that is going to happen is for me to do what everyone says is crazy and get out of the boat – inspire people by my “naïve” or foolish faith. I just don’t want to be found fearful and waiting on what’s safe and be forced to wait 40 years for a second chance.

Filed under: What I'm Thinking by Josh
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Continuing the Retro Valiant blog posts.

Where I just was…

ORIGINAL POST DATE: 08.02.08

I need to write a post about my story. But this isn’t it. Fooled ya :)

Instead, this post is about something I read in Velvet Elvis the other day.  Moses is up on Mt. Sinai getting the Ten Commandments, then returns to find the golden calf. I used to think, “Oh look how far Israel has fallen, forsaking the God of gods for a golden calf.” I didn’t realize that it was not that uncommon in those days, especially while being captive for so long by a polytheistic Egyptians. According to Rob Bell, the general way you honored whatever gods you followed was by making carvings or sculptures of them then bowing down to what you had made. They could get their mind around a god that produced rain. They thought, if I pray to this, and it rains, the rain god must be happy. These gods made sense to them. It was such a polytheistic world culture anyway, and this whole exclusivity of God was completely unheard of in the any of the existing religions of that day. It was completely unheard of. But God had an entirely new concept of how religion should be.

God  is saying He is bigger than any other god they had ever invented. He couldn’t be captured in bronze, stone, or gold. He is saying He has no boundaries or limitations. Earlier, when Moses asks God what His name is, God replies, “I am.” Moses is still trying to wrap his mind around God and God just gives him an answer that is even more mind-boggling. Even his very name is eternal and mysterious. Think about if for a second. If you asked me what my name was, and I just said, “I am —–” and don’t every say what I am, you’re still going to be waiting for me to answer. Or you’re going to be very confused that I responded with something that didn’t really answer your question. But God is saying, “ I am. I am eternal. I am more than you can ever comprehend. I have always existed and always will. I am outside of time, and space, and everything you know to be true. I am truth.” I could keep going with this. But, as Rob Bell puts, it’s like God’s way of saying, “You’re never going to figure me out, and even my name is more than you’ll ever comprehend.”

So being the quick learner Moses was, he later says, “Now show me Your glory.” He still wants something he can see that’s tangible. Ever wished God would just show you a miracle, or just visibly show up so you could know beyond a shadow of a doubt what you believe is true? I sure have.

As some of you may know, God then says He will put Moses in a ridge on the cliff and cover him with His hand and then once He passed by He would remove His hand and Moses could see God’s back. Apparently, no one could see God and still live. Rob Bell points out that many ancient rabbis used to argue that the word for “God’s back” was actually a different way of saying, “The best you’re going to do, the most you’re capable of seeing while you’re alive is where I… just… was.” God is saying that’s the closest we’re gonna get right now.  If we could see God, that would immediately put limitations on Him and he would cease to be something we couldn’t understand.

This was a huge, huge issue for me for most of my life. It came to the point where I almost left my faith because I was so frustrated I couldn’t understand God. The mystery killed me. I was always trying to figure God out… figure how He worked, what He wanted, the magic formula of being in perfect harmony with Him. Now I embrace the mystery. I like knowing that I can’t always connect to God the same way. It can’t be a routine. I can’t ever understand Him fully. I can’t make Him predictable. Get this: it’s a novel concept, I know. He’s so big, He doesn’t have to ever do what I expect Him to do, because He’s God and I’m not. Sure He’s done it a certain way time and time and time again in my life, but He could change it any moment. Maybe that’s His way of preventing us from falling into a routine with Him, instead of actively seeking and scraping and sweating and wrestling with Him. Sometimes He’s right there when we seek Him. Sometimes, He becomes more elusive so we’ll keep going digging and chasing and learn to never give up.

Filed under: What I'm Learning, What I'm Reading by Josh
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